so this is what it feels like

Hey... remember me? It's only been three months since we last spoke, but somehow it feels like years have passed. I've been in the same place the entire time, but I'm definitely not the same person. 

I've come to believe that life is like a pendulum. One minute you're down, the next you're moving forward and becoming a better version of yourself, and then the next you're right back where you started. I've basically experienced all of that in the span of four days. But I think that might be a story for another time. 

This post is about something that keeps running through my head. I first heard these words while I was in the shower. The place where all great ideas begin. I heard it again while in a meeting. Again at a church service. And then at least four other times since then. That tells me it needs to be shared. 

So this is what depression looks like. Or maybe it's just what being human feels like sometimes. I'll let you be the judge of that. And to whoever needed to hear this... I hope you're doing all right. I know it's hard. I live it, just like so many people. I've hidden it and exposed it and hidden it again. I've been ashamed and then unafraid to share, but the shame always creeps back in. The point is, if you need help, get it. If I can help you, reach out. I'm always here.

IF DEPRESSION/SUICIDE/SELF-HARM OR OTHERWISE IS A SENSITIVE TOPIC THAT TRIGGERS YOU IN ANY WAY, PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE READING. KEEP YOURSELF SAFE, SANE, AND HEALTHY. HAPPIER POSTS ARE COMING! 

∆ ∆ ∆

Every step is a marathon,
Adding one more pound to the weight of the world on your shoulders.
But still... you trudge along.

Your brain feels like it's going to explode inside your skull.
Your lungs are collapsing inside your chest.
You're drowning. Not breathing.
But still... you smile.

Every person, best friend or not, is the enemy.
Their judging you.
They never cared about you. 
Why would they?
You're nothing.
But still... you laugh.

Every moment is a wasted one,
Because nothing you do is good enough.
It'll never be good enough.
But still... you play along.

If they ask you how you're doing, don't you dare tell the truth.
They'll think you're crazy.
They'll never speak to you again.

You're fine.
You're always fine.

Perfect little princess with everything together.
Straighten your tiara.
Smile.
Wave.
Everything is fine.

The world is spinning faster than the speed of light,
But in slow-motion all at the same time.

It feels like you're dreaming,
Yet nothing could be more real.

The road is too long.
The voices are too loud.
The weight is too heavy.

You can't keep going on like this.

You can't make eye contact.
You can't breathe.
You're drowning and no one knows.

Because you're fine.

Until you're not.

Because now death is knocking on your door,
And all you want to do is answer it.

If only you didn't wake up,
It'll all be over.
You would finally be fine.

But the world wouldn't be.

∆∆∆

You are valued beyond belief. The world would not be the same without you. The ideas presented above are lies from the enemy. Lies that are told in the pit of despair and destruction. And often times we can't discern it for ourselves.

Talk to someone. It's hard, believe me, I know. I've had to take my own advice. I still do.

But please know that God created you for a purpose. This world needs you. I need you.

You're loved.

xoxo Jenni