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Today I was driving to work at the brick-and-mortar store that I'm one of the owners of and it hit me...
I'm a full-fledged adult. That may be the scariest realization I've ever come to, but it came at just the right time. Just when I was feeling like I was lagging behind, not meeting my full potential, and missing something. Just when I thought I was incapable of adulting. We all feel that way sometimes, don't we? Like we missed the mark we set for ourselves. Didn't quite live up to everyone's expectations. Can't pay the bills. Hate your job. Hate your life. Hate that you hate it. Life can be a serious rollercoaster sometimes. And being adults we can hit our ultimate high and worst low all in the span of an hour. Sometimes life is sunshine and sometimes it just sucks. I'm a pretty positive person when I try to be, but I also have to be real with you... You won't hit every mark. You won't meet everyone's expectations. Sometimes you'll be late on the power bill or the water bill or the rent. Sometimes you'll hate your job. Sometimes you'll question who you are. Sometimes you'll wonder which turn you missed to end up where you are. Sometimes you'll hate your job and your life and everything. But I promise you... It's going to be okay. So clean those iPhone screens. Polish those selfie-smiles. Strap on your smart watch or Fitbit and let's kick some adulting butt. We're in this together.
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Up until last year, I'd never really dealt with real grief. I'd only experienced that passing feeling of sadness when an old teacher, distant relative, or friend of a friend passed away.
The kind of grief that feels heavy for a moment, but then you see a puppy or flip on the TV and you can breathe normally again. Last year my grandmother passed away and I had my first run in with real grief. But with my mom and my granddad, my two best friends in the whole world, by my side, it never felt like what I've experienced recently. On August 10th my granddad was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. On September 6th he passed away. During that almost-month I felt every single emotion on the human spectrum. If feelings were colors I would've been a full on rainbow. It was constantly up and down and all around. I couldn't tell if I was coming or going, but I knew everything was okay because he was still here. And then he wasn't. That's when grief ran me over in its semi truck. And let me tell you... It sucks. I cried and I cried. I punched things. I felt his loss more deeply than I've felt anything in my life. I could feel the emptiness in my house and in the world around me. I've had dreams where he's still alive and then I wake up to find that he's gone. Never coming back. I'll be writing something about him or looking at his picture and all of a sudden I'll start bawling. Little things remind me of him and sometimes it's funny or refreshing. Other times it feels like someone's jabbed a knife through my neck and I'm gasping for air. Like someone's plucked out my ribs. Like my heart is being squeezed tighter and tighter. And then I'm fine again, just like I am right now. Grief. It's a strange thing and it is different for everyone. I'm a prime example that it can be different with each loss you experience. Some cut deeper than others. I want to remind you of something that I needed to hear during this season of pain... It's okay to hurt. It's okay to smile. It's okay to cry and laugh and cry and laugh. But it's not okay to avoid that grief. It's there whether you like it or not. The only way to face it is to feel it. xoxo Jenni |
Jenni BeaverThis blog is a glimpse into my crazy life as a twenty-something female entrepreneur navigating life as the co-owner of a mother-daughter business. Things get pretty insane, but we make it all work. Archives
December 2018
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