I had flown through almost the first four seasons and was becoming addicted to the medical drama. The writing captivated me. The characters were all I could think about.
As someone who wants to create characters much like Meredith Grey, the kind that are so real you can almost feel their pain, I was sucked into Grey's. I convinced myself from the moment I started watching that I wanted to write just like that. Just like Shonda Rhimes did in Grey's Anatomy.
I was wrong.
I'm a Christian.
I don't want to write in the Christian genre, because I believe, as Christians, we need to be in the trenches with non-believers. However, Jesus should be reflected in EVERYTHING I write, create, and do. I don't have to say 'Jesus' every third word. I don't even have to say it at all, because I should be so close to Jesus that He becomes a part of me. Melted into who I am and melting into all I do.
That includes what I watch.
Watching Grey's Anatomy did not reflect Jesus.
Surgeons talking about being God and meeting God in fellow surgeons... that does not reflect Jesus.
Watching men kiss men and women kiss women... that does not reflect Jesus.
Watching people have premarital sex with anyone and everyone... that does not reflect Jesus.
There is ONE God.
Marriage is for a man and a woman. I recognize that the world is messed up. I recognize that there are many LGBTQ people who have been wronged by Christians. That also does not reflect Jesus. My job is to love everyone. To show Jesus to everyone. To be His hands and feet to everyone. Even when I disagree with you. Even when you're sinning. Because, let's be real, I'm sinning too. Every day. But that does not mean I can make allowances for your sins, just as no one can make allowances for mine.
Sex is meant for a married couple. It's the intimate act of giving yourself to your husband or your wife. It's not something you should just do whenever you get a whim.
All of those reasons are reason enough to stop watching Grey's Anatomy, but none of them are THE reason.
For the past several, several, several months I've been "away" from God. I've been out of the Word. I haven't been praying. I've been floundering and struggling and just scooting my way through life.
I have been prioritizing everything above God. The One who deserves all of my attention.
How can I expect to accomplish anything if I push Him to the backburner?
So, I stopped watching Grey's because it had become such a part of my life that it was a god. It was an idol that I placed above the One who holds my heart. That's not okay. That's not okay on SO MANY LEVELS!
So, after struggling for hours and hours over this decision (which should not have been that difficult), I shut off Grey's Anatomy and turned my attention back to my King. My Father. Asking Him what I need to do next. I'm not sure what the answer is, but I'll find it.
I'll find it, because for the first time in months, my priorities are actually straight.
Maybe it's time to take a look at your life. It'll be hard, but what things are you prioritizing over God? What things are you "allowing" for the sake of fitting in or being comfortable. Maybe it's time to make a change.
Living solo in LA has been the best and worst experience.
It's lonely. Like really lonely. I'm living in a place where it seems like everyone wants to be someone else. They're chasing dreams and trying to be somebody, just like me. The lonely part is that they can't see the somebody in the mirror.
They see a work in progress, which we all are.
They're waiting in line and trying to get somewhere. Into the offices of agents and producers. They walk in with work in hand and try to pitch ideas and themselves. Then they apologize for wasting their time, because somehow they can't see the value in who they are and what they do.
They may not be Meryl Streep or Christopher Nolan, but they're worth just as much.
We live in a world where we're always trying to get somewhere. We can never be happy with exactly where we are, especially if it's sitting in our bed watching Netflix and writing a blog post. And, yeah, that may be where I'm at right now.
I went to a college, much like everyone else, where good enough just wasn't good enough. I pushed myself to so many breaking points and told myself that crying over an A- or B was okay. I told myself it would make me better.
I had myself convinced that if I was so anxious I felt like jumping off a cliff, I must be in a good spot. I had to be on the verge of greatness, right?
I was self-deprecating, just like so many. Saying my work was horrible and I wasn't good enough and it wasn't good enough, and claiming that was normal because I was an artist and I could never be satisfied with what I do.
That's a lie.
It's all a lie.
I don't care who you are or what you do. You are valuable. Your time is just as valuable as anyone else's, so don't apologize for wanting to meet with producers or agents or CEOs or anyone. They should feel just as honored to meet you as you are to meet them.
Your value and your worth is not based on your degree, GPA, years of experience, social media following, or the amount of money in your bank account.
Your value is based on the fact that you're human. A human being created in the image of God Himself, just like every other human on this planet.
I'm a writer. I write some really crappy stuff, but I also write some really good stuff. I'm sick of looking at every piece of my work and thinking it's sub-par. Thinking it's stupid or unworthy of praise.
Why can't we be satisfied?
Sure, we should always strive for better, but that doesn't mean we have to hate ourselves and our work. It doesn't mean we can't give ourselves a pat on the back.
After all, in kindergarten you get a gold star for finishing a coloring page or a sheet of addition problems. Shoot, you get gold star for making it through the day without hurting someone or throwing something.
So, I'm here to give you some gold stars.
Did you get out of bed today? Congrats, here's a gold star. I didn't make it out until 11:30am. But, hey, I did make it out.
Did you get some work done today? Maybe you wrote a story or drew a picture or filed some kind of paperwork. Maybe you wrote a sentence on your novel. Congratulations, you deserve a gold star.
Did you drink some coffee today? Yeah, me too. Not sure if I can give you a gold star for that, but I'll certainly give you a high five.
Life is hard.
Adulting is hard.
Teenage-ing is hard.
Who am I kidding? Human-ing is hard.
Give yourself a break. Remember your worth and your value even when others try to take it away.
Oh, and don't forget that gold star. We all need one now and again.
This blog is a glimpse into my crazy life as a twenty-something female entrepreneur navigating life as the co-owner of a mother-daughter business. Things get pretty insane, but we make it all work.